Why Your Crew is Essential for You to Thrive
In high school and college, my group of friends and I saw each other nearly every day.
Friendship was something that felt easy and abundant. I could see any of my closest friends immediately because our lives happened in the same place often in the same building, hallway, or room.
But friendship changed slowly and surely as I started to get older. I don’t remember quite when that began happening but I think it was somewhere in my mid to late 30’s. Of course, changes in life stage like marriage and kids altered things. But also, distance became a huge barrier to my sense of friendship satisfaction.
Maybe nothing was harder than when one of my best friends moved to Seattle. She was one of the first people I met in college and we became really good friends. I knew we would stay connected but I didn’t know how.
Even when the demands of motherhood can take a huge toll on friendships, our kids were born months apart and we lived only 5 miles away from each other (which in LA is practically the same as being next door neighbors) so we went through that bleary-eyed infant stage and commiserated over clogged ducts and sleepless nights with each other.
As our kids grew older, we did trips to the beach, Easter egg hunts, and meals together almost weekly.
So when I found out she would be moving, it really hit me hard. I knew how to be friends when we were separated by a 20-minute drive. I didn’t know how to do that when the distance was a 20-hour one. I was happy for her start in a new city but also extremely sad for how that would change our friendship.
I remember at an especially low point, tearfully asking my husband, “Do I even have friends? Why do I feel such a profound longing when I watch Sex and the City?? What’s wrong with me?!?”
He listened but he didn’t have any answers for me. I don’t think he fully understood it either.
I wanted something more in my friendships.
I wanted friendship not just as a college student but for this stage of the journey.
I wanted not just good individual relationships, which I was fortunate to have, but I wanted a crew.
I wanted to belong to a committed group of friends that was somehow more than just a one-on-one relationship here and there. I wanted something more mysterious and expansive.
Fast forward a few years later and I was walking my dog and weeping as I listened to author Karen Walrond interviewed on a podcast where she talked about the idea of a “war council.” This time the tears were not frustration and sadness but deep joy.
She talked about how your war council is made up of those people that know you to your core and truly SEE you. She talked about how these are the friends in your life who CELEBRATE your victories as much if not more than their own.
Your crew should be comprised of the friends that root for your success with all their heart and genuinely want to help when you fail.
They don’t blindly cheer you on. They call you out when you need it and speak words of truth in love.
I was tearful because this podcast episode was putting to words what I had wanted but didn’t know how to say. And it has become a reality.
I immediately texted my crew on our ever-lively group chat and told them how grateful I was for them. The four of us had formed the girl gang of my dreams.
We all lived in different cities. We didn’t have the kind of relationship where we could spontaneously be at each other’s homes for dinner but we were always ready to show up for each other.
These women were my lifeline and why I was overwhelmed with gratitude when I heard the podcast. I was like, “Yes, that’s it!! It happened!” And not only had my inarticulate longing for more in my friendships actually come to pass, it was better than I even would have guessed.
Since we all live in different cities we have had to find different ways to factor that in. I think this is common because unlike college the people you might want to be connected to the most might live in a different city or even on a different continent. So, here’s what we have done and what has worked for us.
Here are some thoughts to bridge the distance and create the support you need.
#1 Annual Reunion
I do this now with two different groups of girlfriends. I know – I’m super spoiled. The genesis of each of these weekends was different. But a couple of times a year, we get that face-to-face time that makes up for the lack of daily overlap. If you’re talking about international travel, this is all the more difficult. But if you’re all living in the same country, there are creative ways to make this kind of thing happen without breaking the bank.
We plan way in advance to find a weekend that works for everyone. We beg, borrow, or Airbnb a place to stay.
What do we do together?
There's a lot of talking. We get together, talk until we are so tired we have to finally go to sleep, wake up, and talk again all day. No topic is off limits – career, celebrity gossip, marriage, family, sex, conflict, frustrations, questions, hopes and dreams. There's lots of laughter too.
We eat well. On our last weekend, one of my friends planned and made all of the meals. It was some of the most delicious food I've ever had because of all the loving thought she put into it.
Things that are shared in the group, stay in the group. You don't break the sacred circle of trust. Tears are definitely okay.
We play. We go for bike rides, hikes, watch movies, etc.. (All activities happen while simultaneously continuing to talk. See above.)
We pray. We make time to listen to God, pray, and bless each other. There's a Nigerian proverb that says, “Shared joy is double joy; shared sorrow is half sorrow.” One friend shared that something we had heard from God in prayer two years ago during one of these ladies weekends recently came to pass. It was so beautiful to celebrate that with her.
We come back into our daily reality with a renewed sense of connection and joy. It’s become something that my husband is really excited to see me do even though it means time away from him and our kids because he knows how much it means to me and how much it buoys me in everyday life. (Thanks honey!)
#2 Group Texting
As someone who is solidly average to below average at techy stuff, I constantly feel behind in this realm. So maybe this one is super obvious to you all that are more hip than I am. But, just allow me to say -- group text is friendship genius! If it’s good enough for Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Maya Rudolph, it is good enough for me.
It’s a lifeline.
We text things that we think are funny or that make us mad.
We share updates on life.
We send pictures of our kids and dogs and things we need love and prayer for.
Some days there isn't much activity. But then other times you walk away from your phone and come back to find 75 messages. When I share something that’s super sad or frustrating, one (or more) will call me to follow up and vice versa. It's not the kind of community that I was used to when I was younger but it's a major way that I experience support and connection.
Nowadays, we are messing around with the Marco Polo app which lets you send video messages back and forth. And we’ve also been known to hop on Zoom when we need to approximate hanging out.
My husband says I get a particular look of delight and mischief when I’m connecting with them. (And no, he’s not allowed to read any of the texts.)
I love my husband so much but my friends keep me sane. Tell me in the comments — how do you keep up with friends through changing seasons of life?
If you’re looking for a way to go deeper with your friends, I’ve developed a couple of resources that would be great. Check them out here.